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Anyone who is a parent knows that the job is tough. Really tough. If we moms and dads were really honest with ourselves, we'd have to admit that we had almost no idea what we were getting into when we brought that first baby home. The old saying about kids not coming with a training manual is true. And the problem of "What do I do with this kid?" is intensified for parents in our contemporary rush-rush, worry-worry world. The problem is that when parents don't quite know what they're doing and they're too busy to find out, they tend to shoot from the hip. Shooting from the hip can lead to two opposite, out-of-control parenting styles, neither of which is good for children. Let's call these two styles "Underdog" parenting and "Big Dog" parenting. The Underdog parent is a pushover. The children run the house and mom and dad tend to take a back seat. Where Big Dog parents are involved, however, it's the adults who intimidate and it's the kids who stay out of the way. Big Dog parents are T-Rexes in disguise. Underdog parents' behavior with their children is motivated primarily by anxiety and guilt. "Don't want to do anything to offend the children" and "If the kids are mad at me I must have done something wrong" are the overriding thoughts. Big Dog parents' behavior with their children, on the other hand, is dominated primarily by irritation and anger. "Because I said so!" and "Do what I tell you or else!" are the predominant themes. Underdog parents whimper, while Big Dog parents bite. Underdoggers plead with their kids like this: "Come on now, honey, don't you think it's time for bed? Why can't you just do this one little thing for me?" Translation (in other words, what does the youngster really hear?): "Even though you're my child, you're too strong and powerful for me. I haven't the slightest idea how to control you other than begging." Whimpering tells the children that they—the kids—are really running the show and that their parent is basically weak and helpless. Big Dog parents bite. They can bite emotionally as well as physically. Here's an emotional "sound bite": "What the hell's the matter with you!? You better start listening to me or else! How many times do I have to tell you?" Translation (in other words, what does the youngster really hear?): "You're no good, kid, and you never will be. If it weren't for me, you'd be in even more hot water." The Big Dog parent may throw in a spanking after the lecture to make sure the point is driven home. Big Dog parents bite. Not surprisingly, these two opposite forms of out-of-control parenting produce two different results. Kids from Underdog parents tend to become adults with a robust sense of entitlement. They think the world owes them a living and they try to push other people around. When life doesn't treat them like they think it should (which is inevitable), they blame everyone else for their misery. Our children from the T-Rex moms and dads, though, will become adults with a deep sense of insecurity and unworthiness. They'll think everyone else is better than they are and they'll tend to withdraw. Even if they do succeed at certain things, they won't be able to give themselves credit for what they've done. How can we interrupt this tragic cycle? Well, there is a book with an odd title, called 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. In this book, parents will understand that their parenting job consists of three things: 1) controlling obnoxious behavior, 2) encouraging good behavior and 3) strengthening relationships with the children. And yes, specific, effective, tried-and-true and fairly simple strategies are provided in 1-2-3 Magic for accomplishing these three parenting tasks. The program is evidence-based—it works. But something stands between Underdog parents and their ability to adopt new strategies like 1-2-3 Magic. The same thing, in different form, stands in the way of the Big Doggers. It's their attitude. It's their view of parenting itself. Both of these kinds of impulsive, out-of-control parents need a major attitude adjustment before they can learn to become decent parents. Yes, useful advice for managing children is out there, but the Underdog folks and the Big Dog folks have to learn how to think differently before they can use these helpful suggestions. The attitude adjustments required here fall into three main categories: 1) appreciating the "rights" of family members, 2) understanding the effects of different parenting styles, and 3) accepting the need to switch to deliberate, thoughtful parenting strategies. Let's look at each of these. Rights. Underdog moms and dads need to understand that not only do they have a right to be a parent, but it is in everyone's best interests if they—the adults—do set limits. Kids not liking limits is normal. It is not a tragedy and it is not due to parental error. Big Doggers, on the other hand, need to appreciate that their children have rights. The kids have a right not to fear physical or emotional abuse from their own parents. Big Doggers need to consider the possibility that a home should not always revolve around the whims of the largest mongrel in the joint Effects of parenting style. Underdoggers need to realize that repeated parental whimpering creates Entitled Super Brats. Big Doggers need to realize that repeated biting eliminates kids' sense of self-worth. Deliberate parenting. Both types of parents, Big Dog and Underdog, need to accept the necessity of switching from an automatic/impulsive to a more deliberate/thoughtful approach to parenting. It's not that hard. "Parenting" primarily out of irritation and anger is not really parenting. Neither is "parenting" primarily out of anxiety or guilt. Both Big Doggers and Underdoggers need to see that simply engaging in emotional self-indulgence is bad for everyone in the family—including themselves. Good parenting advice is already out there. 1-2-3 Magic offers a ton of good suggestions. But for many moms and dads, the main thing that stands in the way of their becoming decent parents is a straightforward—though not easy—attitude adjustment.

Recently, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) changed its rules for screen time for children to meet more modern times. Much has changed since I had my first child in 2007, back when iPhones had just come out and iPads did not exist. Establishing healthy screen time boundaries has been a priority for me from the beginning. As a health educator, I have read up on the studies about too much screen time. It can lead to attention problems, sleep disorders and being overweight. My goal is to raise emotionally, intellectually and physically healthy children. While our bodies continue to get acclimated to our advancing technological times, setting healthy boundaries is key for their physical growth and emotional well-being. A few tried-and-true guidelines: No screen time while dining out or at the dinner table No iPhones at restaurants? YES! Remember: We are made for relationships, and having our kids learn the art of conversing starts by watching us. Engaging in lighthearted conversations while dining out is, unfortunately, a learned skill-set these days. Lead by example: put your phone away and converse. Each night at dinner, I ask my kids to share the peak and the pit of their day. By the time we are all done sharing, we have finished our meal and had a wonderful conversation. Schedule unstructured playtime It stimulates creativity and fosters imagination. No screen time two hours before bedtime There is plenty of evidence that blue light, emitted by smartphones, tablets, laptops, and many other electronic devices, is impacting on the quantity and quality of the sleep we are getting. Getting blue light naturally from the sun is important; it helps us to stay awake. However, blue light that comes from screens tells our brains that it isn’t time to sleep. This disrupts our pineal gland from producing melatonin. Melatonin is the most important factor and plays an important role in our metabolism and our keeping our immune system healthy. This is true for all ages, but more important for our young children, and here’s why: One of the important hormones that is released during the deepest stages of sleep is Human Growth Hormone (HGH). This is essential for our body to heal, recover, grow and to perform well in athletics. Disconnect to reconnect If you are giving into your child for more screen time, ask yourself, Is it really for my sanity? Or is it to keep my child quiet? Saying no will empower them to think of something else to do. If not, show them another option. Building, playing dolls and coloring are all useful ways to grow their minds and learn other fundamental skills. Related posts: I feel no guilt about my kids' screen time How unplugging made me a happier parent How to make traveling with kids less awful

We call them “slow motion meltdowns” in our house. I am a mom of a 20-month-old spirited boy. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. Don’t we all? My son knows how much it hurts to throw himself on the ground when I can’t catch him. So instead, he has perfected a slow-motion fall backward that ends with him crying, looking up at the sky. When talking to other moms, including my own, the common advice seems to be: “Just leave him there, and he will come around when he’s ready.” This didn’t feel right to me, and it didn’t seem to work for my son. I have been a mental health counselor for more than 10 years, and it was my time to practice what I preach: Get on the same level, listen, empathize, and give choices. Below are four techniques that have really helped me deal with my son’s tantrums. 1. Enjoy the view. My son’s worst meltdowns usually happen in a public place. One of these took place at the park on an unusually beautiful day. The sky was bright and the clouds were intensely white. I remember this vividly because, on that particular day, I decided to lay down right next to him. It was quite relaxing, and we both started talking about things we could see. Before I knew it, my stress was relieved, and he was back to a joyful mood. Getting on their level might look funny at times, but it works in taming those tantrums. 2. There is a good use for a newspaper. From early on, my little guy would get really upset when I couldn’t figure out what he wanted. I would grab a newspaper, start a tear at the top, and let him shred the rest. Even though he was upset at first, he resolved whatever was frustrating him fairly quickly using this coping skill. If you work in an office like I do, one of my favorite things is shredding paper. It’s satisfying, so why wouldn’t it work for our little ones? 3. Go outside no matter what. I think children get cabin fever like the rest of us, and they don’t know how to say what’s wrong. But we have learned that by taking him outside – even if just on the front porch – bundled up or otherwise, it really helps him reset his mood. 4. Ask if they want a hug. My son’s mini meltdowns could happen for any reason: I chose the wrong shirt; he got cookies instead of veggie straws; or Peppa Pig was on when he wanted Bubble Guppies. When they do happen, I ask if he wants a hug and reach my arms toward him, but I do not touch him. Then I wait a minute or two, and try again using the same approach. I continue to do this until he reaches his arms toward me. It’s important that I exercise patience and wait for him to accept – which usually takes two or three minutes before he is reaching toward me, wanting a hug. Despite its challenges, I love this stressful, fun, playful age. I hope these techniques will help bring you a little more joy through the meltdown phase. They do say it’s a phase, right? Related posts: 5 must-haves at your baby's first birthday Mine, mine, mine! How to mediate playspace tiffs

“What do I do when my baby reaches over and grabs another baby’s hair?” It's a common question at the playgroup I lead. As a teacher of young children—birth to three years—I see lots of exploration, curiosity and expression of wants that affect other children, as well as parents and caregivers. What is the best way to guide young hearts, hands and minds in a group setting? It’s important to remember the age of the child. I have seen two babies, sitting and facing each other, with one extending her hands to touch and grab the other baby’s hair. Now, the intent is curiosity, so there is no need for discipline in this instance, but there is a need to guide the curiosity so no harm is caused. If the touch becomes too aggressive, as in grabbing or pinching, we want the adult to take the baby’s hands and stop that action while saying “gentle” and then guiding that hand in a gentle way over the respective caregiver/parent’s arm. Then let the baby try to reach out again—if that baby was not shocked or hurt by the original action. This serves two purposes: showing babies about gentle touch and the way to interact that is socially accepted and safe, and showing the other adults that we are mindful of our child’s or charge’s behavior. When babies turn into toddlers, there is more awareness of actions and consequences. If a 16-month-old grabs a toy that another toddler is playing with and there isn’t an objection from the toy-holder, it does warrant the adult to step in and say something like, “Susan, your friend was playing with that toy. We need to give it back until she is finished and then it’s your turn.” Wait to see if Susan will return the toy. If she resists, then you tell her, “If you cannot give the toy to your friend, Mommy will help you.” Then the adult must follow through. Why do that, particularly when the other toddler doesn’t seem affected by it? This sets the stage for life. We cannot take or grab what is not ours; we have to wait our turn. If a fit ensues, then it is best to return the toy for your child and leave the classroom setting so that your child has time away from the environment and the class can continue without the disruption of crying or screaming. As your child approaches two years of age, and older, you can start encouraging her to say “sorry.” If she won’t, then you may stay with your child as you both approach the offended kid and give the apology for your child. Again, we are modeling the behavior we want our child to learn, and it shows the other adults that we are respectful of other children’s feelings, too. It takes a little time, but consistency is the best way to get positive results.

Being the sibling of a child with a developmental disability, learning challenge or other special need can be complicated. As with any sibling relationship, these brothers and sisters will play a variety of roles throughout life; playmate, confidant, teacher, protector, friend, enemy, follower and role model. Sibling relationships are often the longest-lasting relationships, and the “typical” sibling’s role will change over time, often taking on many of the concerns around caregiving that had been their parents’ jurisdiction during childhood. With over 4.5 million people with special needs in the United States, that leaves many brothers and sisters with a wide range of concerns and need for support. So what can we, as parents, do to support our “typical” children as they face a long-term journey with their special-needs sibling? Expect typical behavior—this includes conflict. Normal conflict is a part of healthy social development, even if it is difficult to watch. Typically developing children, like all children, get angry, misbehave and fight with their siblings sometimes. While it may make our lives more difficult, telling them “You should know better” or “It is your job to compromise” can result in feelings of guilt and undue pressure on the typical child. Have the same expectations around chores and responsibilities, to the extent possible and reasonable. Holding all children to similar expectations promotes independence and helps quell resentment that often stems from having two sets of expectations. Celebrate the achievements of everyone in the family. Having a child with special needs in the family makes attending events more challenging. As much as possible, one child’s special needs should not steal the spotlight from another child’s achievements. Acknowledging milestones of other children often requires arranging respite resources, creative problem-solving and flexibility on the part of all family members. The greatest influence on a child’s understanding of his or her sibling with special needs is the parent’s perspective. The meaning and purpose we find in life’s challenges has a greater impact on our well-being than the challenges themselves. Parents who find and utilize information and resources, and whose interpretation of their child’s disability is infused with peace and grace, model a healthy interpretation for all of their children.

As parents, we do everything we can to nurture our children’s physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs. Yet, despite our best efforts to raise our kids to be resilient and have a strong sense of self, we see more and more children the victims of bullying. When a child has healthy self-esteem, she is less likely to be the victim of bullying and more likely to make healthy choices that lead to a fulfilling life. In my work with parents, I have found three common ways we sabotage our children’s self-esteem without realizing it, making them more likely to become a victim of bullying at some point during their school years and make poor life choices. 1. Not recognizing how our past experiences and beliefs impact our kids. Often our children’s challenges reflect an unresolved challenge in us. I was working with a parent whose 12-year-old daughter was being bullied by other girls in her class. The first question I asked the mother was how she got along with girls in school. Her knee-jerk reaction was that she had no problem with other girls, but upon reflection, she realized that she did not have many friends and held a belief that girls were mean. Once she uncovered this belief, we talked about how this does not need to be true for her daughter. Within a few weeks, her daughter began feeling more empowered and befriended the main bully! Reflect on what beliefs you may hold that could impact your child’s self-esteem, and see how that belief doesn’t need to be true for your child. 2. Praising in a way that has our kids chasing praise and giving up rather than rising to challenges. Many parents give praise by saying things like “You did a great job cleaning your room,” and we think we are doing right by our kids. However, praising by evaluating your child’s result is actually damaging in the long run. When you evaluate and judge something your child has done, you take away your child’s ability to evaluate himself. Because self-esteem is something that he cultivates on the inside, it is important to praise in a way that has him evaluating himself as doing something good, rather than hearing it from the outside, which leads to chasing praise and feeling manipulated. Try describing and appreciating your child’s efforts by saying “You picked up everything in your room and made your bed….thanks for your help!” Praising in this way allows him to evaluate his work and tell himself something empowering like “I am a helpful person.” 3. Not giving our kids the space to solve their own problems. It’s hard not to jump in and solve every problem your child encounters, however you do them a disservice when you do. A great question to ask your child when facing a problem is “What do you think you should do to solve this problem?” I guarantee you will be astounded by the wisdom in the answer you hear! Allowing your child to think through the problem and come up with options will help her feel empowered and confident as she deals with challenges, and will set her up for good problem solving skills as she grows.

The interest in the "Managing Challenging Behaviors" workshop at last year's Developmental Differences Resource Fair was so great that we didn’t have time to answer everyone’s questions. Here are some of the questions attendees had, along with some suggestions from the experts at Tuesday’s Child, a behavior-focused program in North Center. Note that this advice applies to kids with and without developmental differences! Q: How do I deal with my child's Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde behaviors? A: Consistency is key—when the behavior changes, the parent must always behave in the same way. If the child is upset and unable to control their anger (frustration or disappointment), the parent should use the script she/he developed to help the child identify the feeling and gives the child a developmentally appropriate way to express that feeling. Praise when the child uses an appropriate way to express the feeling. If the child continues to throw the toy (I give two more tries), then I say, "Looks like you can't play nicely with this toy, let's take a break and try again after snack time." In the times when the child is playing nicely and behaving appropriately, praise. Shoot for a very high level of praise, 10 praises in an hour that tell the child very specifically what they are doing correctly. Q: What should I do with screaming behavior in a child with autism? A: When my son with autism screams and runs away, I always go after him, go down on his level. I use a very calm tone and tell him: "It's dinner time. We eat our meals at the table." I bring him back and try to have him eat. I don't force him to eat. I try to be consistent and use a calm tone, keep my words simple and the same. In general, I know my son screams when he's excited or angry but can't communicate. I try to be a good observer to try to figure out what the cause is, what happened before. Then I can facilitate him getting his needs met. If I can’t identify what he needs/wants -- sometimes, a snack is enough to soothe him. Or, I'll try to redirect him to an activity he likes to do such as jumping on his trampoline or a direct pressure sensory activity to regulate him.. I also try to give him choices as to what he wants to do so he feels more in control. Q: How can I stop twin boys who fight all day long? A: The parents may want to clearly specify what the limits or "rules" are for their family. A visible chart could be made listing the rules (We use our words, We cooperate, We ask for help when we need it). Teach the boys to use their words and be firm if they don't like what the other brother does. "Stop hitting! I don't like it. That hurts!" coupled with "I want a turn to play with the toy," or "When will it be my turn?". This will allow for the boys to try to resolve issues for themselves. Catch verbal arguments and praise (e.g., “Good using your words – do you need my help?”). If the boys tend to fight over the same activity/things, try designating specific times for each child to perform certain activities. For example, on odd dates, one brother gets to pick the TV shows to watch for the day, sit in a special spot at the table/in the car, take a bath first, etc. Then on the even days, the other brother gets to have these privileges. In this way, the parents aren't making the decisions about who goes first or gets to do which activity. Q: What happens when stickers don’t work, aren’t appealing, are unreasonable or not possible? A: At Tuesday’s Child, we would look at this question as “How to Use Reinforcers Effectively.” First, is the behavioral goal attainable? Do reinforcers need to be dispensed more frequently? And, is the reinforce something the child really wants, not just something parents will tolerate. Using positive reinforcers like tokens, or chaining a more preferred activity after a less preferred activity facilitate teaching a child good habits like cooperating with simple routines like dressing, or getting homework done. Learn more about our annual Developmental Differences Resource Fair and sign up to attend.

Even though you may believe that the sole purpose of your children’s fighting is to drive you crazy, they are actually exhibiting basic survival behavior. Human survival is based on ability to get needs met. Children need food, shelter, clothing and their parent’s attention. When your attention is in limited supply (and whose attention is NOT in a limited supply these days?), your children will do whatever it takes to get you focused on them again. While many people believe that it is best to let your children figure out how to get along, many children have not yet developed the language or skills to always negotiate fairly. A few good ways to help children navigate conflict are to: Model the behavior that you would like to see regarding conflict. Keep your own emotions in check and work hard at talking through your disagreements with other family members. Set firm ground rules about the behavior that is expected in your family and review the expectation during a time of peace. For example, tell your children that “we do not tease each other in this house” rather than yelling “your teasing is driving me crazy.” Making general house rules helps diffuse children’s feeling that they are being singled out because you favor another child. Children feel better about rules that sound like they apply to everyone equally. Don’t compare your children. Avoid setting them up against each other and setting the stage for hurt feelings. Even caring labels like “the athlete of the family” or “our quiet one” can be seen by children as measurement of worth and favoritism. Reward good behavior. Parents tend to get involved when things escalate. Be sure to take time to notice siblings helping each other, negotiating with each other or playing well together. Take 5-10 minutes per day to give each child a little undivided attention. Even a short burst of attention has been shown to reduce negative attention seeking behavior significantly. When everyday sibling rivalry turns into ongoing threat of physical harm, repeated emotional harm or ongoing destruction of property, parents need to step in and consider professional help. This intense and ongoing interaction between siblings is called sibling aggression or sibling bullying and the effects can be even more profound than when bullied by a stranger. Research has shown that those who were physically assaulted, had their toys stolen or broken or endured emotional abuse that made them feel frightened or unwanted by their sibling had higher levels of depression, anger and anxiety than those who did not.