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So your child is about to begin this huge stage of independent self-care and you have a million questions. Are they ready? Is it going to be a complete disaster? Will they cry? Will you? On the flip side, there’s the glory of no more diapers. Ever. Think of all the saved money you can stash away in that college fund. Not to mention, you really need a break. Plus, most preschools won’t let you drop off a kid who isn’t fully potty trained. Clearly, this has to happen. You survey your friends about what they did and then read a couple of potty training books you don’t have time to read. And yet, it still seems confusing and like a huge drag you’d rather put off till another day, month, year...perhaps forever. But what about preschool? This has to happen. When getting ready to potty train my own son, I had a crazy thought: Was there any way to make this fun? Not only for myself, but because I still vividly remembered a graduate psychology course in which we learned about Erikson’s second stage of development: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt. Usually completed between 18 months and three years old, it’s the period when children first encounter shame — the message of “You are bad” instead of “You made a bad choice.” Without even realizing it, parents and caregivers often use shame in potty training, not understanding how it can affect their littles. [Related: Potty Training for All Abilities (members-only video)] Knowing this, I was determined to make potty training a shame-free and fun experience. Pictured is the exact behavior chart I used. The result? A fully potty trained kid in no time. Quick note: I also had a second chart just for potty training when out and about. Because children have different things they struggle with — one might fear pooping in general, while another won’t go to the bathroom at school — feel free to get creative and make a chart that fits your child’s needs. 1. Get out all of your craft supplies and involve your child in the process. 2. Draw a fun shape like a circle or star and section it off into however many days you choose. 3. Write a reward in each box. I tried to create as many non-food rewards as possible and added special “bigger” rewards along the way; for example, making slime was a big hit, as was “phone” time. 4. This is the most important step: Buy or gather all of the rewards and place them in one spot in your home. Make sure your child can see everything. The idea behind this is that they will not have to wait to get their reward. When my son saw everything lined up on top of the hutch, he immediately bought into the program and said, “I’m going to get everything on my chart.” [Related: Best Chicago playgrounds for the potty-training toddler] A few things to keep in mind: No time like the present Summer is a great season to start this adventure because your kiddos can be naked without freezing. Less clothing to fuss with in and out of the bathroom is a win for everyone. If you can, take a couple of days off or a long weekend to potty train. Stay close to home, play board games, go to the park, and enjoy time with your little one outdoors. (Added bonus if you’ve got a boy: they can always pee on a tree in a pinch.) That said, always consider... Timing The best potty training advice ever given to me came from my pediatrician, who said to wait for the child to show interest. I took my son shopping for undies and then asked him every day for almost a month if he wanted to wear a diaper or undies. After Day 26, he finally said “undies” and I had them on him so fast he never had time to look back. Patience This is not always a quick process. Try not to get discouraged or frustrated. I quickly learned that if I got upset so would my son. Children feed off of our feelings. I began to act like it was no big deal and with the pressure off, there was room for fun. Phrases to have ready “I would never ask you to do something I didn’t think you could do.” “We all make mistakes; it’s part of learning.” “You’ve got this potty training thing down.” Humor Dance parties were the biggest part of our success. Every time he went to the bathroom, we would celebrate. He even had his own potty touchdown move. Take your time with the process so you can appreciate the joy of watching your little one accomplish this huge milestone.

While nighttime control often occurs years later, mastering daytime bladder and bowel control is a process which takes, on average, six months for a child to complete. Urine and stool accidents are common during those months and should be expected. Toilet training regression, however, is defined as loss of these daytime skills long after the process is complete. It is understandably frustrating and concerning for parents when their child, several months diaper-free, suddenly refuses to use the toilet, begins having frequent accidents during the day, or develops some other unusual elimination behaviors. [Related: Best Chicago playgrounds for the potty-training toddler] If these daytime skills were truly mastered before the onset of regression, the first step is to rule out medical causes by meeting with your pediatrician. If the doctor determines there is no physical cause for the regression, emotionally stressful changes in your child’s life should be considered. Some common examples include: Fears (monsters, loud flushing noise, falling into the toilet, being sucked down the toilet) Illness of the child or a family member Pregnancy or birth of a new sibling Change in childcare environment Moving to a new home Parents’ marriage ending In such situations, it is important to remember that rather than lashing out physically with violence or tantrums, your child has found a relatively healthy way to cope with this stress. Using the following approach, however, you can help your child find even better ways to manage. Tell them you’ve noticed the change Do this with as much ambivalence in your voice as possible. Shame and guilt will likely be your child’s first reaction to learning their behavior has not gone unnoticed. It is therefore important you remove any hint of judgement from your tone and choice of words. Talk to them First, explain you aren’t mad at them, and it isn’t their fault. Next, ask if they know why this is happening. Depending on the verbal skills of your child, you may not be in the habit of asking their opinion yet. Even if they don’t have the words to explain what they are feeling, hearing you are interested in what they think is empowering. If they do offer any type of meaningful response, listen carefully to what they say, thank them for telling you, and sympathize with them as much as possible. Tell them you are proud of the good work they have done up to this point and that you know they will do better next time. [Related: How to make potty training your toddler fun. Yes, fun.] Brainstorm creative solutions alone as parents and also with your child Any practical steps to solving the problem are worth trying. Removing fear by making the toileting fun with songs or games. Spend special time together with your child separately from the new baby. Explore the childcare facility bathroom with your child and separately discuss the issues you’re having with their childcare or caregivers. Surround the potty with familiar objects or toys. Positively reinforce successes with sticker charts or other reward systems. If your child contributes any ideas, be certain to try them as well. Consider taking a break If your creative solutions don’t seem to be working (or, worse: creating stress and anxiety surrounding toileting), consider taking a break and returning to pullups for a few weeks. Sometimes taking a backseat for a bit allows your child to recognize they are responsible for learning this important skill. Encouraging this independence can be liberating for your child and lead to lasting success.

My daughter Sophia, now 5, is one of the strongest willed people I have ever met. So when toddlerhood hit, boy, did she dig in her heels, especially around food. As a health coach, having her subsist on noodles alone wasn’t really an option for me. I was determined to help her get over her pickiness and tried a lot of different things to get her to expand her palate. I employed these tips and can happily say that she and her 3-year-old brother Sam now request salads for lunch and turn down anything with artificial colors. Here’s what worked for me. I set some healthy boundaries When I actually stopped and paid attention to when, what, and why I was feeding my kids, I realized that I was giving them a snack whenever they whined for them. By planning their snacks and allowing them to be a little hungry for their next meal, I found they were more open to eating what I had prepared. When I set up the new family rules around food (and was firm, calm, and consistent about enforcing them), of course they put up a lot of resistance at first. But once they knew that the firm boundary existed, they started to comply and the battles came less frequently. I made the healthy food fun Unfortunately, fruits and veggies don’t come in Elsa or Lightning McQueen packaging, so I found ways to make the healthier food more interesting for my kids. I found small cookie cutters, rice molds, colorful silicone muffin cups, colorful picks, and game-type plates to make the food more visually appealing as well as fun. I employed an incentive chart. The “Today I Ate a Rainbow” magnet chart gave a little added incentive to my kids to incorporate more produce into their meals. We’ve had it for a couple of years now and they still get excited to get a green star for eating cucumbers and orange stars for carrots. I got them involved in the kitchen Brussels sprouts. Never thought my kids would be excited to eat them, but I proved myself wrong by giving them the opportunity to help me in the kitchen and feed them into the food processor. They are always more interested in trying the foods that they’ve helped chop, measure, or mix. I gave them some choices “Broccoli or cauliflower for dinner?” If they have some say over what’s ending up on their plate, they have a little more buy-in and are more willing to actually eat the healthy foods. I’ve found that giving them that hit of power on the front end often avoids the power struggle on the back end. I educated and empowered I spent some time with both of them explaining why it’s important to eat a wide variety of foods, and which foods are the ”most of the time” choices versus the occasional treats. By educating them and empowering them to do what will serve their body best, I’ve found they go the route of making the better choice more often. Are there still battles? Sure. They’re kids — that’s what they do! But I have found that the struggles (and the struggles of my clients) have decreased significantly since I’ve employed these strategies. I hope you will see the same in your kids! Related posts: How I deal with my toddler's meltdowns Strategies for winning toddler sleep battles

Toddler sleep antics are akin to playing the game of Survivor: Who can outwit, outlast, outplay? We know who usually wins! As a physician and certified pediatric sleep specialist who has helped more than 1,000 toddlers and their families sleep better, I can assure you, if you have ever been the loser in your child’s survivor games, you are not alone. The good news is, you can win with a few helpful tips — if you are patient and consistent. 1. Don’t ditch the crib too soon. Wait until at least age 3 to make the transition, if not later. By then your toddler can better understand the boundaries of the bed. If you have a crib jumper, don’t despair — but don’t bring him into your bed! First, try these techniques: Try to catch him in the act of climbing (a video monitor can help) and firmly tell him “no,” either through the monitor or in person (you may have to do this multiple times). If one side of the crib is higher, turn the crib around to put a higher obstacle in his way. Use a sleep sack. If he does climb out, be consistent about taking him back without talking or eye contact. 2. Practice consistent routines. Children thrive on predictable routines, including bedtime. Do any combination of relaxing activities in the same order every night for about 20-30 minutes: read books, make up stories, discuss the day’s activities, sing songs, etc. Over time, he will associate this routine with sleep. 3. Time it right. A well-timed bedtime can mean the difference between a peaceful bedtime and bedtime battles or night wakings. An overtired child at bedtime is one of the biggest reasons for stalling and for night wakings, because their bodies are in overdrive. Generally, bedtime should be about four-and-a-half hours after the end of a restorative one- to two-hour nap for toddlers aged 18 months to 3 years. If the nap is shorter, then move bedtime earlier using their behavior as your cue. 4. Eliminate sleep crutches. If your toddler needs you to fall asleep, then when they cycle in and out of sleep throughout the night, they will most likely need your help getting back to sleep — more rocking, more milk, and so forth. Have consistent routines to allow your toddler to fall asleep on his own. 5. Have a plan for your “jack in the box.” If your toddler decides to visit you either right after bedtime or in the middle of the night, the best technique is to take their hand and — without eye contact, emotion, or engagement — walk them straight back to bed without tucking them in or kissing them again. Make it unrewarding to curb the behavior. You may have to try more than once, but be assured he will will get the message and start sleeping through the night in no time. Related posts: How I deal with my toddler's meltdowns Mine, mine, mine! How to mediate playspace tiffs

We call them “slow motion meltdowns” in our house. I am a mom of a 20-month-old spirited boy. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. Don’t we all? My son knows how much it hurts to throw himself on the ground when I can’t catch him. So instead, he has perfected a slow-motion fall backward that ends with him crying, looking up at the sky. When talking to other moms, including my own, the common advice seems to be: “Just leave him there, and he will come around when he’s ready.” This didn’t feel right to me, and it didn’t seem to work for my son. I have been a mental health counselor for more than 10 years, and it was my time to practice what I preach: Get on the same level, listen, empathize, and give choices. Below are four techniques that have really helped me deal with my son’s tantrums. 1. Enjoy the view. My son’s worst meltdowns usually happen in a public place. One of these took place at the park on an unusually beautiful day. The sky was bright and the clouds were intensely white. I remember this vividly because, on that particular day, I decided to lay down right next to him. It was quite relaxing, and we both started talking about things we could see. Before I knew it, my stress was relieved, and he was back to a joyful mood. Getting on their level might look funny at times, but it works in taming those tantrums. 2. There is a good use for a newspaper. From early on, my little guy would get really upset when I couldn’t figure out what he wanted. I would grab a newspaper, start a tear at the top, and let him shred the rest. Even though he was upset at first, he resolved whatever was frustrating him fairly quickly using this coping skill. If you work in an office like I do, one of my favorite things is shredding paper. It’s satisfying, so why wouldn’t it work for our little ones? 3. Go outside no matter what. I think children get cabin fever like the rest of us, and they don’t know how to say what’s wrong. But we have learned that by taking him outside – even if just on the front porch – bundled up or otherwise, it really helps him reset his mood. 4. Ask if they want a hug. My son’s mini meltdowns could happen for any reason: I chose the wrong shirt; he got cookies instead of veggie straws; or Peppa Pig was on when he wanted Bubble Guppies. When they do happen, I ask if he wants a hug and reach my arms toward him, but I do not touch him. Then I wait a minute or two, and try again using the same approach. I continue to do this until he reaches his arms toward me. It’s important that I exercise patience and wait for him to accept – which usually takes two or three minutes before he is reaching toward me, wanting a hug. Despite its challenges, I love this stressful, fun, playful age. I hope these techniques will help bring you a little more joy through the meltdown phase. They do say it’s a phase, right? Related posts: 5 must-haves at your baby's first birthday Mine, mine, mine! How to mediate playspace tiffs

My wife started planning our daughter’s first birthday party months ahead of time. It was an intricate circus theme, including 19 documented ideas that I will spare you of except for these: wine bottles whose labels were entitled “cirque du vin” or had circus elephants on them; three flavors of homemade popcorn served in bright red pails with chrome-plated scoops and red and white striped peanut bags; and mini circus-animal cake pops. If you want to have such a party, let me know and I’ll send you the whole list, but I will also probably try to sell you our leftover circus-animal paper plates. We killed the torpedo keg of Daisy Cutter, which was satisfying, and we pulled most of the plans off, except the next day we realized there were things we bought but never put out. And we spent most of the party working our asses off until, finally, after the singing and cake smearing, we were able talk to people. Then they left. My wife’s best idea for the party, though, was to request that the guests bring a sealed letter of advice for my daughter to open on her 18th birthday. Most everyone obliged, and we stacked them in a mini turquoise suitcase that a circus performer might use as he traveled across country by train. I wasn’t able to finish (or even start) my letter in time, so one night a few weeks later, I sat down with some paper and jotted down a stream-of-consciousness list of how to live a happy, healthy and balanced life, such as: You are smart and can do anything you want. Be confident in yourself and don’t ruminate on past decisions. Spend some stretch of your life with a regular yoga or meditation practice. Save 10–15% of every paycheck for retirement and live within your means. Write short stories about yourself and your experiences. I bought a nice leather journal where I‘ll rewrite it. Since this will only use the first few pages, I plan to use the rest to add more advice as it comes to mind, and to scribble outlines for potential stories about her that may or may not ever get written. My son’s first birthday (a cowboy theme) is coming up in June, and I know we’ll go all out again. But hopefully it’s a bit toned down from our daughter’s first. I’ll probably skip on the mechanical bull.

“What do I do when my baby reaches over and grabs another baby’s hair?” It's a common question at the playgroup I lead. As a teacher of young children—birth to three years—I see lots of exploration, curiosity and expression of wants that affect other children, as well as parents and caregivers. What is the best way to guide young hearts, hands and minds in a group setting? It’s important to remember the age of the child. I have seen two babies, sitting and facing each other, with one extending her hands to touch and grab the other baby’s hair. Now, the intent is curiosity, so there is no need for discipline in this instance, but there is a need to guide the curiosity so no harm is caused. If the touch becomes too aggressive, as in grabbing or pinching, we want the adult to take the baby’s hands and stop that action while saying “gentle” and then guiding that hand in a gentle way over the respective caregiver/parent’s arm. Then let the baby try to reach out again—if that baby was not shocked or hurt by the original action. This serves two purposes: showing babies about gentle touch and the way to interact that is socially accepted and safe, and showing the other adults that we are mindful of our child’s or charge’s behavior. When babies turn into toddlers, there is more awareness of actions and consequences. If a 16-month-old grabs a toy that another toddler is playing with and there isn’t an objection from the toy-holder, it does warrant the adult to step in and say something like, “Susan, your friend was playing with that toy. We need to give it back until she is finished and then it’s your turn.” Wait to see if Susan will return the toy. If she resists, then you tell her, “If you cannot give the toy to your friend, Mommy will help you.” Then the adult must follow through. Why do that, particularly when the other toddler doesn’t seem affected by it? This sets the stage for life. We cannot take or grab what is not ours; we have to wait our turn. If a fit ensues, then it is best to return the toy for your child and leave the classroom setting so that your child has time away from the environment and the class can continue without the disruption of crying or screaming. As your child approaches two years of age, and older, you can start encouraging her to say “sorry.” If she won’t, then you may stay with your child as you both approach the offended kid and give the apology for your child. Again, we are modeling the behavior we want our child to learn, and it shows the other adults that we are respectful of other children’s feelings, too. It takes a little time, but consistency is the best way to get positive results.

Oh, potty training. It’s something you look forward to (hello, end of diapers!) but in reality it is like you are going to war. And the worst part? You are under the command of a temperamental toddler who couldn’t care less about your expensive furniture or about taking a break from playing to sit on a cold, hard toilet. But here’s the thing: You will get through it. How? By being flexible, investing in some great carpet cleaners (and a bottle of wine if need be) and maintaining a sense of humor. I have two little boys, one who is totally and completely toilet trained and one who is still learning. As for me, I am continuously learning and what I have discovered most about the potty-training process is that I just need to let go because the process is different for everyone. [Related: Best Chicago playgrounds for the potty-training toddler] Here are some tips I’ve learned along the way that I hope can help you, too: 1. Let your child take the lead. Let’s face it, we all know that our children aren’t going to do something unless it interests them. So if they are continuously fighting you about sitting on the toilet or putting on underwear, listen to them. You can always try again next month. They will not be in diapers when they go off to college, I promise. 2. Make it a fun experience. We are book lovers, so we have turned bathroom time into book time. Keep great books nearby so you can read while waiting for some potty magic. 3. Track progress. Sticker charts can work very well to keep a child motivated and see progress. At certain increments, we take a visit to a favorite places to celebrate, such as a train restaurant or roller skating rink. 4. Pump up the positives and downplay the negatives. Your child will have accidents. It isn’t the biggest deal in the world. Simply clean up and remind him or her to use the potty when “that feeling” comes. And when the waste makes it into the potty? Throw the biggest celebration that you can. Positive reinforcement outshines negative reinforcement any day of the week. [Related: Potty Training for All Abilities (members-only video)] 5. Stop comparing. Is there a mom on social media boasting that her 18 month old is perfectly toilet trained? Good for her. Are you like me and having a much more difficult time toilet training one child versus the other? Parenting and comparing are a dangerous mix. Don’t give in. 6. Be prepared. Once your child is using the potty more frequently than a diaper, don’t expect it to be a cake walk. They will “have to go” when you are stuck in traffic and will occasionally refuse to go when not in the comfort of their own home. So be sure to always pack extra clothes, supplies and a potty seat wherever you go. Trust me. 7. Relax.

Does bedtime feel like a battle in your house? Do you end up giving in to the demand for more water, another story or other excuses your child comes up with to stay up later? Are you trying to transition your child to sleeping in her own bed and not having success? Follow these 8 tips to get your whole family sleeping more soundly. 1. Routine: Make the transition to bedtime smooth and predictable by creating a consistent routine. Include nighttime rituals that are calming and comforting, turning off electronics and cutting down on active play at least an hour before bed. If activities such as dressing in pajamas or brushing teeth are stressful for your child, finish them earlier so it’s not part of the relaxing routine. 2. Select the proper bedtime: Your child should be tired when it is bedtime. If you are unsure what bedtime is right for your child, start to keep a sleep journal, tracking what time they fall asleep and what time they wake up in the morning. The goal is to help your child get the right amount of sleep on a reliable schedule. 3. Sleep object: A sleep object can be soothing and comforting for a child who wakes in the night and needs help soothing himself back to sleep. Having an object that is only accessible during bedtime helps your child associate the object with sleep. An option is the OK To Wake! Owl. This cuddly owl tells your child with a soft voice and visual cue whether it is okay to get up or if they need to go back to bed. 4. Social story: Utilize a social story to teach your child bedtime skills. A social story sounds like this: My name is James; I am learning to sleep in my own bed. If I wake up at night I can take big breaths and close my eyes to fall asleep. I can sing a quiet song, or cuddle with my owl. 5. Staying in bed: When your child wakes in the night, calmly guide your child back into her bed using as few words as possible. Set your child up for success by being clear with your expectations long before bedtime. Have a conversation to define when she is allowed in your bed, such as when she is sick or has a scary dream. Consistency is important for breaking this habit. 6. Incentives: Incentives are a great way to communicate to your child that you see his efforts and are proud of their progress. Sticker charts can be effective in helping track progress. For example, every night your child stays in bed he gets a sticker. After seven stickers, he receives a special reward such as his favorite breakfast. If your child is younger than eight, consider having smaller immediate rewards along the way. 7. Preparation: Before you change your child’s routine, start talking about it a few days in advance in a positive way, mark it on the calendar, have your child pick out special sheets, make a special pillow and make a social story to walk her through the upcoming change.